Lost The Edge

Ever seen Top Gun?

One of my favorite movies as a youngster.  Motivated me in many ways to join the military.

I recall, at Basic Training, while on a rifle range jets flew over head and I sang to myself "Highway to the Danger Zone."

I truly aspired to be a pilot.  My drill sergeants were less concerned with my ambitions.

Anyway.

There is a scene early in the movie where Cougar, a stud otherwise, just gives up.

Instead of inadaquately describing the words said, here's the footage:

Well, Cougar? That's me, in my present form. 

Nothing of my actions suggests I was the All Star caliber as Top Gun's Cougar, but my own assessment continues to tell me that I was even better. Only, in my case, as a soldier. 

But, here I am.  My edge has been lost.

It's never coming back.  

Friday and Saturday

Tonight, I find myself drinking.

 At first I am proud.

 I now only drink on those nights that I do not work during the following days.

 But I should not drink at all.

 My personality is addictive. And, for me to drink, is to drink every beer I can obtain until exhaustion overtakes me.

 I must quit. And I know it. Completely.

 But I love these nights.

 I love hating myself. I love hating how I abandoned the Army. I love hating how I failed.

 For two nights a week I embrace depression.

 But don't blame the alcohol because I drink the alcohol hoping to secure this feeling.

 The alcohol is but a method to my madness.

 On Sunday, this will all be nothing. I'll clear up and, on Monday, I'll attend work like this weekend never occurred.

 But, I know. You know. Demons. They exist.

My Response...

...to a buddy checking up on me: 


"Hey man, I appreciate you asking. 

It's going alright. It would be going great other than a bind I have entangled myself with my National Guard unit. Other than that, I am starting to handle things. 

Well...

I have a serious alcohol issue. I have it managed whereas I only drink now on nights I do not work during the following days. But I should quit altogether. I have an addictive tendency unlike any I have seen before. Seriously. Like, outside alcohol, my thing now is running. And today? Every minute I wasn't working, or drinking, I ran. Multiple times a day, at an 8.0 mph pace or better. 

Imagine that same tenacity and apply it to drinking, and you see why I should quit. Even if it is somewhat "under control." 

Otherwise, I am going with the flow, I guess. 

I've always been super ambitious. But the self-induced anxiety of the past year has really gotten to me. So, now, I just want a normal life. No greatness. Just want to work, save for retirement, and one day obtain that retirement. 

It's almost like I am 29, and already exhausted by life. 

Wow. Not sure why I shared so much. But I appreciate your willingness to check in. I really do. Thanks, brother. Wish you the best."